A good apology can rebuild burnt bridges and repair relationships. A bad apology can cause more trouble. It is best to learn how to spot the difference.
Look, let’s face it. No one likes admitting that they’re wrong. That is why apologies are so hard. Most people live their lives letting hurts pass without ever saying sorry or even getting a proper apology. However, saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not, and will never be an apology. Agreed upon social norms demand that when we do something wrong, we have to acknowledge that and express our remorse for the wrong we have done. It is a social ritual that shows respect and empathy for the wronged party.
In most cases, pride prevents us from saying sorry. But if you think about it, apologizing is one of the most positive actions that a person can take to keep them emotionally healthy. When you have wronged someone, apologizing genuinely shows them that you respect and care about them and that you understand and empathize with them. A genuine apology allows you to take responsibility for your actions and helps rebuild trust. Furthermore, it can help you avoid feelings of shame and guilt that can eat away at your soul if you carry them for too long.
Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way”, while acknowledging that bad feelings, doesn’t show remorse or accountability for the hurt you’ve caused. Also, it’s patronizing. If you still need some coaching, here’s the best way to apologize and make amends:
- Do not wait. Your ego and pride would have you stew over how you’re right and they’re wrong and that they owe YOU an apology instead. When you’re wrong, waiting to apologize won’t change that.
- Apologize for what you did, not for what other people think. Don’t say “I’m sorry that X has misread my actions”, say sorry for your actions.
- Address the problem and offer a solution. For example, say “I’m sorry for being late to our dinner date. I will leave the office earlier next time.” See how that doesn’t reference reasons or excuses like traffic, over time, or any other excuse?
An apology may cause us a status point because admitting a mistake or a lapse in judgement can be seen as a weakness. However, a good apology requires us to make amends and to be more mindful of our actions in the future. It makes us feel better and be better people. It can also facilitate healing, change our perspective about someone, create opportunities, enable growth, and save relationships. The cost of a measly status point is relatively low compared to the many benefits we gain from saying a genuine and heartfelt “sorry”.
When was the last time you needed to apologize? How did it turn out? Share them with us in the comments. Remember to work smart and be a blessing to someone today. Stay safe and healthy!
Written by Jaie O. TheHelp