Have you read the book “The Perks of being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky? The line that resonates most with everyone who has read the book or has seen the movie adaptation is this:

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

This line says so much about self worth, individuality, emotional well-being, and value. But more than relationships, this quote stands for all the things we accept in our lives: the kind of jobs we get, the friendships we form, the behaviour we put up with from people around us.

As we grow older, we learn more about ourselves: what we like, what we don’t, what other people like, what other people don’t. Most of the time, people focus on finding out what other people like and don’t like. We spend so much time trying to figure other people out when we should be trying to figure ourselves out. Being unsure of yourself is a very dangerous thing. When you don’t have yourself figured out, you become susceptible to fads, trends, and bad advice – sometimes from people who mean well but don’t know what they’re talking about and sometimes from people who are downright out to hurt you. Having no conviction is not much of a way to live. Like they say “stand for nothing, fall for anything.”

Having a list of personal non-negotiables in your life predetermines what kind of principles you have and how much value you put on yourself; which means never having to stand for any kind of inferior treatment. We all have ideas about what we want in life – loyalty, respect, sincerity, love. This list goes on and may sometimes change as we grow and learn about our wants and needs.

So, at the risk of having to sound like an advice column, let me share my two cents. From where you are right now, start building your list of non-negotiables. Take the time to learn more about yourself. What are your skills? What are you good at? What are the areas for improvement? What talents/ gifts can you share with others? What kind of treatment do you expect from them?

It’s time to take a long hard look in the mirror and to start being honest with yourself. None of us are perfect and that is our edge. We survive the competition because none of us are alike. Take comfort in this. Take comfort in the fact that some are better at things than others. It means you have a chance to find out what you are better at and improve on that. Alternatively, find out what you are not good at: take lessons, read, or get a mentor.

That long, honest look in the mirror will hopefully let you discover your true value. Know your worth, even if it takes longer than usual and don’t downplay your strengths. Learning to value yourself means that you learn to prioritize your well being over other people. It may sound selfish but answer this: what good are you to people you love if you don’t think of yourself that much to even take care of yourself first? It goes without saying that if you take care of your business first, the rest will follow. Realize that you don’t have to accept lousy jobs or be in less than ideal relationships because you don’t know any better. Believe that you deserve better. The earlier you learn to put a premium on yourself, the less crap you willingly put up with.

Figuring it all out might be a long process but don’t worry, no one gets it all together right away. It is a cycle of trying things out and when things don’t work out as planned, go back to the drawing board and recalibrate. You have time to figure out what principles stay with you for the rest of your life. Make sure they are the right ones.

Written by Jaie O. – The Help